The Conspiracy Meow! Dog's Possible Origin Stories

The Conspiracy Meow! Dog, whose name is Sparkles, is an elegant and mysterious creature. As a rescue dog, little is known about the old girl before her adoption. Yet, she is so captivating that it's too fun not to try to come up with a secret past for her. With that, let us begin our first Sparkles origin theory post of many more to come.

Theory One: A Genie

Sparkles was a grumpy travel photographer who stumbled upon a genie's lamp while out on assignment. When the genie asked what her wishes were, she said: "For my first wish I want to have thick black hair and large beautiful brown eyes" to which the genie nodded in agreement. For Sparkles' second wish, she said "For my next wish, I want to never again have to pay taxes," to which the genie again nodded his head in agreement. Then for Sparkles' last wish, she said: "I want to be admired wherever I go and all will adore me, no matter how I act or what my age." At this, the genie nodded his head a final time and said: "let it be done then!" And a large puff of smoke blinded Sparkles for a moment until it cleared showing that the genie and his lamp were gone forever and she was metamorphosed into a hostile chihuahua.

Theory Two: Sloppy Science

Sparkles may have been an underpaid scientist as a human. While studying the effects of loyalty from dog essence for a social media site, she could have become too busy to realize that she forgot to wash her hands before starting to eat lunch. She licked her fingers not noticing the taste of the trace amounts of dog essence. What she didn't know about her work was that the dog essence sourced for her lab was from an arthritic chihuahua. By the end of her meal, she was no longer a scientist but an oddly shaped tiny canine. Retaining her knowledge, she could have worked to be changed back to her former self. Yet, instead, she chose to spend her days comfortable and contented with lazy afternoon naps and leftover ham.

Theory Three: A Model Cursed by Other Models

Sparkles was a successful model who was hexed by rivals after one too many days at the top. Sparkles was living the life, driving a Ferrari, and dancing on yachts. Jealous of her success a group of models used their model powers of sacrificing an ounce of beauty each to turn Sparkles into a "lowly dog." Sparkles, not one to be beaten, adopted a human whom she nagged to make her famous again by beginning this site with her image on the logo. So, if you ever want to stick it to conniving models, subscribe to the Conspiracy Meow! newsletter, mwahaha.

Theory Four: Aliens

Sparkles is a homely alien from a superficially focused culture on a distant planet. In order to escape the pressures to fit in Sparkles moved to Earth. This explains why Sparkles hates groomers, a reminder of the beauty-obsessed place she left, and enjoys her own potent flatulence, which is her way of making the air quality more akin to that of her home planet.

Theory Five: Mutated Hamster

In a field, downstream of a nuclear power plant, there was a gluttonous hamster. That hamster was Sparkles. Sparkles was overjoyed to find that there was an abandoned cornfield all for her. What Sparkles didn't know was that the nearby nuclear power plant had been left to waste after a safety report found that the structural foundation was compromised and that nuclear waste was leaking into the nearby waterways. No other animal could have warned Sparkles of the danger she was in because they were long gone before she had arrived. Sparkles ate to her heart's content for years and years. Far past the life expectancy of a normal hamster and after long enough, she grew tired of the corn she had become accustomed to. As Sparkles walked along the roadside looking for food elsewhere, a van pulled up belonging to a wildlife control center. Seeing Sparkles' enlarged size they assumed her to be a toy-sized dog and turned her over to a humane society. Thus leaving Sparkles to live the remains of her life as a chihuahua, adopted by unsuspecting humans.

Theory Six: Divinely Inspired Burnt Sausage

In a sausage factory, a staff member took all of the remains of the day's worth of wasted meat from the processing floor, and instead of tossing it out, took it home to cook for their beloved mutt. At home, the meat sat on the counter with an amount of sentience taking in the surroundings. It could hear the factory worker speak kind words and pat their dog on the head. The meat, having suffered when alive from each of the different parts that made it up now hoped to live another single life as a cherished pet. The factory worker prepared the sausage for their mutt by readying the stove to cook it. Before the meat was put into the pan, it hoped even more than ever to be loved and cared for. So, when it touched the pan's metal, it bounced out onto the floor smelling of burnt sausage. When the factory workers looked at it closer, they saw that it had changed into a small dog with a wagging tail, forever to be loved thereafter.