The Conspiracy Meow! Dog's Possible Origin Stories

The Secret Origins of Sparkles

The Conspiracy Meow! dog, whose name is Sparkles, is an elegant and mysterious creature. As a rescue dog, little is known about the old girl’s life before her adoption. Yet she is such a captivating and peculiar animal that it would be irresponsible—or at least terribly boring—not to speculate wildly about her secret past.

With that, let us begin the first of what will hopefully be many Sparkles origin investigations.

Theory One: A Genie

Sparkles was once a grumpy travel photographer who stumbled upon a genie’s lamp while out on assignment.

When the genie asked what she wished for, Sparkles said, “For my first wish, I want thick black hair and large, beautiful brown eyes.”

The genie nodded in agreement.

“For my second wish, I never want to pay taxes again.”

Again, the genie nodded.

Finally, Sparkles considered her last and most important wish.

“I want to be admired wherever I go. Everyone will adore me, regardless of my behavior or age.”

The genie nodded one final time.

“Let it be done!”

A tremendous puff of smoke blinded Sparkles. When it cleared, the genie and his lamp were gone forever—and Sparkles had metamorphosed into a hostile Chihuahua.

Technically, all three wishes had been granted.

She had thick black hair and enormous brown eyes. She would never pay taxes again. And, despite being openly unpleasant to anyone who displeased her, humans would spend the rest of her life telling her what a precious baby she was.

The genie was apparently very good at his job.

Theory Two: Sloppy Science

Sparkles may once have been an underpaid scientist.

While studying the effects of canine loyalty for a social media company, she became so overworked that she forgot to wash her hands before eating lunch. Distracted, Sparkles licked her fingers without noticing the faint taste of experimental dog essence.

Unfortunately, nobody had informed her that the sample supplied to the laboratory had been extracted from an arthritic Chihuahua.

By the end of lunch, Sparkles was no longer an underpaid scientist.

She was an oddly shaped, tiny canine.

Because she retained her human intelligence, Sparkles theoretically could have devoted herself to reversing the transformation. She could have returned to the laboratory, published groundbreaking research, reclaimed her human body, and perhaps even won a Nobel Prize.

Instead, she discovered afternoon naps, leftover ham, and a lifestyle in which other people picked up her poop.

Sparkles discontinued the research.

Theory Three: A Model Cursed by Other Models

Sparkles was once a wildly successful fashion model who was hexed by her rivals after spending one too many years at the top.

She had everything: a Ferrari, yacht parties, designer clothes, international fame, and presumably an unnecessarily complicated skincare routine.

Eventually, the other models had enough.

In a secret ceremony known only to the fashion elite, a group of jealous models each sacrificed one ounce of her own beauty to place an ancient curse upon Sparkles. Their goal was simple: transform their glamorous rival into a “lowly dog.”

It worked.

Unfortunately, they underestimated Sparkles.

Refusing to accept obscurity, Sparkles eventually adopted a human and nagged her relentlessly until the human created a website featuring Sparkles’s face prominently in the logo.

She had become famous again.

Therefore, if you would personally like to strike a blow against the cabal of conniving fashion models who tried to destroy Sparkles, subscribe to the Conspiracy Meow! newsletter.

Mwahaha.

Theory Four: Aliens

Sparkles is actually a homely extraterrestrial from a deeply superficial civilization on a distant planet.

Unable to cope with the relentless pressure to conform to her planet’s impossible beauty standards, Sparkles abandoned her civilization and immigrated to Earth, where she discovered that humans consider virtually any creature under fifteen pounds adorable.

This theory explains several otherwise mysterious aspects of Sparkles’s behavior.

Her hatred of groomers may stem from traumatic memories of the beauty-obsessed civilization she escaped. Her fondness for producing extraordinarily potent flatulence may also have an extraterrestrial explanation: Sparkles is simply attempting to alter Earth’s atmospheric composition until it more closely resembles that of her home planet.

What humans interpret as disgusting may actually be terraforming.

Further research is needed.

Preferably from a safe distance.

Theory Five: Mutated Hamster

In a field downstream from a nuclear power plant, there once lived a gluttonous hamster.

That hamster was Sparkles.

Sparkles was overjoyed when she discovered what appeared to be an abandoned cornfield with an unlimited food supply. What she didn’t know was that the nearby nuclear power plant had been abandoned after a safety inspection determined that its structural foundation was compromised and nuclear waste was leaking into the surrounding waterways.

No other animals could warn Sparkles.

They had wisely left long before she arrived.

Sparkles ate to her heart’s content for years and years, surviving far beyond the normal life expectancy of a hamster. Slowly, prolonged exposure to the contaminated environment began changing her. She grew larger. Her legs lengthened. Her ears became enormous.

Eventually, Sparkles grew tired of corn and wandered toward the roadside in search of something better.

That was when a wildlife-control van happened to pass.

The workers spotted the unusually large creature and, seeing her size and general dog-shapedness, reasonably concluded that she was some variety of toy-breed canine. They collected her and eventually transferred her to a humane society.

Thus, Sparkles spent the remainder of her life masquerading as a Chihuahua and living among unsuspecting humans.

Whether she still possesses hamster instincts remains unclear.

Researchers are advised to observe her behavior around sunflower seeds.

Theory Six: Divinely Inspired Burnt Sausage

Our final theory is perhaps the most spiritually significant.

At a sausage factory, an employee gathered the leftover meat scraps from the day’s production. Rather than throwing them away, the worker brought them home, intending to cook them as a special treat for their beloved mutt.

The meat sat on the kitchen counter possessing, inexplicably, a small amount of sentience.

It watched.

It listened.

It heard the worker speak lovingly to the family dog. It watched as the animal was petted, praised, fed, and treated as a cherished member of the household.

The collection of meat scraps had once belonged to many different creatures, each of which had suffered separately. Now, assembled into one sausage-shaped mass, they shared a single desperate wish:

Let us come back as something loved.

The factory worker heated a frying pan.

As the meat was lifted toward it, the strange little sausage wished harder than it ever had before.

It touched the hot metal.

Sssssss.

Suddenly, it bounced from the pan and landed on the kitchen floor.

The worker stared.

Where there should have been a slightly burnt sausage, there was now a small, dark-haired dog with enormous brown eyes and a wagging tail.

Sparkles had arrived.

And from that moment forward, she would receive exactly what those forgotten little scraps of life had wished for:

A warm home, plentiful food, afternoon naps, and humans who loved her completely.

Although to this day, she still smells faintly of burnt sausage.