Accidental Sacrilege

In the case of religion, and as a vaguely Christian person I try, oh do I try to do what is considered to be the right thing. Yet, I often seem to fall short when it comes to obtaining spiritual glory. In truth, what I have to acknowledge is that I am both flawed as a person and ignorant as well to account for my inability to ever be a holy roller. Still, I mean to be as respectful to all faiths as possible. The only problem with that is that I am too much of a blundering fool to avoid errors. With that framing, I want to give some specifics on why I make priests cringe and pastors frown. This is the story of how my own attempt to be useful ended in my bungling of something that I set out to pay respect toward. Please note that I mean no disrespect in my words or actions, and any offense taken is although understandable, was not intended on my part.


My weakness in understanding the divinity that is the Christian faith became particularly apparent when I found out that legitimate communion wafers are available for sale through a few online sites. As a person, who never had communion before in my life, and has always felt left out for it, I was surprised that this mystery could finally end for me if I just had the gall to order it and try it for myself. I ended up justifying the purchase when I read that the proceeds of all sales go right back to the religious organization that manufactured it. Thinking that a single box of the stuff would be a tiny amount, I ordered the wafers. Over the course of the next few days, I waited in excited anticipation. When it came in the mail, I knew that my mistake first was that I ordered more than I planned due to the minimum qualities being on the high side. Obviously it was meant to give to single servings to an entire congregation, and not to be snacked on by a curious loafer like me.


Not to be put off by the details of my venture. I tried the wafers alone in my kitchen. When I order them, in my mind they would be sweet and soft, something magical too. Instead, I found them to be totally different than what I expected. They were very dry and devoid of all flavor, to the point of seeming like styrofoam or housing insulation. It was not bread-like or tasty at all to me in fact. Had they not been used for religious ceremony than I would have thrown them out and left a bad review online. Looking at my kitchen thrash can and looking back at the wafers was tempting, but I also throw away rotten food in there too. I felt so strongly that throwing out the wafers was wrong at that moment. I also considered donating the rest to a church but was too embarrassed to admit that I had ordered their sanctimonious wafers for kicks.


I sat there feeling as if God were judging my stupidity more than usual and looking at those wafers for at least five minutes thinking of if I should toss them or use them in a religiously appropriate fashion. In the end, I hadn't the heart to discard the wafers, and I felt like I couldn't go to anyone else to try to figure out what to do with them next. I thought some more, like letting them expire and throwing them out at that time. Still, fearing that I could further disrespect all religions by allowing it to expire I sat in my kitchen and I did what I always do when I have to politely finish my food, I started to put condiments on it. Hot sauce, cheese whiz, and ranch all went on those little wafers. I chewed each wafer as it if were my ticket to hell with little dabs of ketchup on it. When the deed was done, I was felt so dirty and bad.


Will God ever forgive me? Was the event punishment enough by ending with me crying into an empty box of communion wafers alone in my kitchen, cream cheese under my nails, and all? It is hard to tell. It is possible that if there is an Almighty God watching me, they at least get a chuckle between the migraines I dish out due to my existence although it is hard to tell what it is that I do that elicits either response. I suppose that when you don't know what to do, politely ask a religious leader of that faith how to handle your problem. I doubt repeating whatever I do is the right thing in almost all circumstances.