Remembering Ouchies

They say pain lets you know you are alive. That may be all well and good in hindsight but at the time, it's the last thing you want to hear when you are in the emergency room waiting for the results to come back in order to find out if you will ever walk under your own strength. If you follow Conspiracy Meow! on social media you'd know that internal bleeding led to some very serious complications for my spine as well as my professional and personal life recently. While I'm waiting to see how my recovery goes, I've had nothing but time to think about all of my other injuries where the prognosis was less than ideal. Be sure though, that I am not saying I'm dead and gone just yet, but things are going to be different for at least a few more months. As always this is not medical advice, go to an actual medical provider for that because nothing here is going to serve you well in that context nor is it supposed to. No, I only wish to cheer myself up and anyone else who might be in a similar situation. So here it is people, my list of its "never going to be the same injuries" that I have healed nicely from. Here we go.


1) Allergy test needed


In the time of Coolio, when the summer sun in California was particularly hot to a pedestrian, I was living it up in suburbia with my friends. There were pool parties, long days at the fair eating cotton candy, and late nights listening to music with my buddies. Things were great until my friend's mom made us these delicious smoothies with all the specialty fruits she could buy at the farmer's market. I must have had about a full blenders' worth of it before my throat started to get itchy. The itching got worse and soon my lips and face were swollen so much my skin became taut and was throbbing. Being an idiot, my father thought it was a good idea to "wait it out" even though our family had probably one of the best health insurance plans you could get at the time. Two days later my face was oozing pus, with a bloody rip where my skin tore near my mouth. By the time I was seen by a doctor I had to do two rounds of steroid therapy before I could go back to eating solid food again a month later. As for my facial scarring, it mostly faded over time, but to this day if you know what to look for you can see it on the right side of my face by my mouth.


2) Discount manicures


It was supposed to be a half-day for me at work. All I had to do was go in for the morning to verify that the weekend crew did indeed finish the office renovation as they were contracted to. Naturally, they had finished and were out of the place themselves by the time I showed up. I popped my head in and saw everything was tip-top before I let the door behind me close. That was when the skin at the base of my thumbnail caught on a loose metal fragment sticking out of the wall. That tore my nail forward and the skin under it clean off. It happened so fast that I didn't know what hit me, all I saw was blood splurting and my bone where my nail should be. I ran to the front of the building where a jumpy old doorman drove me to the hospital and waited with me while I got stitched up. For the next year straight every doctor I went to told me I'd never have a thumbnail again and I didn't, at least for a while. First, it grew back as thick skin instead of a nail at all. People were totally repulsed by it. I didn't blame them. I had to wear a bandaid over it to cover the unsightliness. The scarring where my stitches were prevented anything to grow past the middle of where my nail should have been. Time has a way of smoothing scars and after a couple of seasons, my nail came back. Now you'd never know that it was once the thing that my co-workers would scream if they saw, but if you look closely you can see where the stitches were under the nailbed that left little bubble-like scars.


3) Your belly button was always there right?


Less than five years ago now, I had a routine laparoscopic surgery for something that I had been putting off for some time. It was all very scheduled and calm. The doctor had a good reputation, the hospital was top-rated and I put aside extra funds to recover in comfort. Anyone who has ever had this kind of surgery knows it is when a doctor makes an incision through the belly button and uses a tube to get to the area they are going to work on in the abdomen. My mini-surgery was a total and complete success, until after the swelling went down and I could see that the back of my belly button was now the side of my belly button. It may not have been painful, as the word annoyance would better describe my feelings on the subject as I now had to either put out of my mind something only I would notice or schedule a separate surgery to remedy this trivial matter. Yes, I am petty and will be going under the knife to fix that soon. Even if I am the only one to care, I still care all the same.


The point is that at the end of the day, have faith in time and medical science, both have a way of softening the permanence of injury and illness. I wish strength to those who are laid up right now recovering their health. May you have the best outcome and as always "Let Your Inner Shut In Totally Wig Out!"